Just plain indifference

I don’t know why i’m writing on here anymore. It hurts. It reminds me of Eli and I feel like dying. So an update on my life. There was a fire inside my garage a couple of weeks ago. My phone took a swim so it doesn’t work. I got blocked from Eli. My dad was violent towards me and banged me up ok. I haven’t gotten much sleep. Most of my friends are gone out of state so that sucks. If there is anything more that can go wrong in my life, just get it over with. I feel like crap anyway.

So I wrote a nice letter to Eli and made the trip to her work to try to talk to her. I wanted to apologize and give her the letter. It turns out that the girl that I saw walking through a field with a guitar strapped to her back was most likely Eli. The timing fits. I feel like i’m drowning. I mean, I want more than anything for her to be comfortable around me. I mean, I’m not some psychopath and I definitely won’t hurt her. I want her to feel safe around me but how can I try to do the things that will make her feel safe around me if she keeps cutting me off?

Anyway, I think I know why she does it. I want to talk to her dad before I talk to Eli about it because if I have it wrong, ugh….ya. Not gonna be good. I HATE love. It hurts like none other. Hopefully things will work out. If not,….just my luck then. Sounds like she’s really diggin Delon right now though. Life sucks. I’ll leave it at that. I have no one but God right now and it feels extremely lonely.

So….my life pretty much SUCKS right now. I have a friend who is considering suicide. Another who has become cold and distant and has pushed most everyone away. My mom is breaking down. My dad is bein a hostile jerk. My brothers are being vain and immature. Eli is pissed at me. I only have three friends I can actually talk to about this crap and they have their own issues that I am helping them with.

Can I just say Eff my life? I mean, right now, I really don’t see a reason for living.

Things with Eli are to a point that I have just come to accept the fact that if I talk to her, i’m most likely just going to end up hurt. I don’t see that changing. It just seems like the people that make life worth living are taking my heart and stabbing it all in unison. If this is what my future holds, i’d rather die.

I love Eli and no matter what I do, I can’t convince myself to stay away from her even though I know that all that awaits me is pain. I guess my heart thinks that her bitterness towards me is better than the silence. I wish I could fix things but I can’t. I can’t do anything but wait and pray for a miracle. At the same time the longer I wait, the more I feel like she will distance herself from me, or someone else will come in her life and it’ll just be more pain.

I wish this pain would be taken away from me. Anyway, I hope things will get resolved with Eli, but if not, whatever. I’m sick of the pain. I’m through with helping people only to feel like a failure at my own life. I’m tired of living as a shadow of myself. I’m done..

Wow. Life is just hating on me. Maybe monday will be better. I hope so. *crosses fingers.

I honestly have no idea what’s up with life right now. I don’t know what I want out of it or what I can get. I just want to clean at work and clean till my hands drop off. Cleaning is a great stress reliever. Seeing Eli today….we are having….THE TALK….I want to hear what she has to say, but at the same time, I really want to just ditch and keep things at the awkward stage that things are in….Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…….Ya, that and I want to make Eli those origami stars as I love making them, but I have no idea how she will take it if I do so, probably not going to happen. Whatever. CHAOS…That’s life for me right now..

Eli, this is the thing I have been trying to send you. I’m posting it and you can tell me what you think about it. Thank you

Ok…..Anon, I know who you are so please stop. Let me enlighten you on some things. I didn’t have good self-confidence because I had been betrayed a lot and hurt a lot and because of an addiction I had. I thought that the reason people betrayed me was because of a problem with me. When I met Eli, and things just clicked with me and I felt that she cared about me for who I was I opened up a lot more than I should have. I dumped things on Eli that she wasn’t ready for because I felt like I could actually talk to someone about those things without being judged or have the person leave me. I didn’t realize that by dumping all these things on her it would make her feel stressed and pressured. I didn’t mean to do that but, as she stated I threw myself onto her. I had thought that it would make her feel like I trusted her and that she would be happier about our relationship. I was wrong. She may have felt that way, but it just caused friction for the most part. I felt like I could tell Eli anything, and I could. The only thing I didn’t factor in were the consequences of such behavior. The thing that Eli brought up about her mom liking Delon more than me is probably because after Eli ended things between us I snapped. I went into a deep deppression and pretty much stalked Eli. I was a creep. As for my sense of humor, yes I used a lot of jest. Jesting for me was a way to be humorous as well as protect myself. It was one of my last defenses. I have since changed that as several people have pointed it out to me. I now do improv comedy. I find it to be funny as well as healing. I imagine that all of this is news to Eli as to the changes i’ve made and that is a great deal my fault. In the times we have spoken I have guarded myself as she has warned me that she would sound cold just to keep things slow between us so we don’t make the same mistakes. I don’t want to hurt her or be hurt again. It sucked enough the first 8 times. As to your questions you have been asking me….you know most of the answers to them and the few you don’t know the answers to were asked in a very rude manner so I ignored them. However, I will enlighten you on some things that I know you want to know. No, I won’t meet with her to accelerate things. Accelerating things is what went wrong last time. I want to get to know Eli more as a friend before I even think about if I feel more for her. It would likely be destructive if I did meet with her. I care a lot for Eli and won’t do anything to hurt her. I know she thinks the majority of what happened was her fault. This is not true. (In my opinion) I was the one that made things stressful and I was the one that moved too fast because I was stupid and desperate to feel loved. It was beautiful feeling like I was important to someone else. It was a new feeling because I didn’t even like myself so in my mind I thought that no one could like me. I’m sure Eli blames herself for the way she handled things but in my opinion it was a very natural reaction. Our relationship was like a fire and I poured too much fuel on it so it exploded.

In answer to your other question, I don’t know if I can see Eli and I married. There are a lot of things I need to focus on more than marriage right now. Eli’s friend Didymus told me that I had a lot that I needed to fix because I was immature and didn’t know what love was and i’d just hurt her. I agree that I was immature. I have proof to back it up. I did end up hurting her because of my immaturity. Heck, I hurt myself! I lost 40 pounds after the whole thing because I wouldn’t eat. I was incerdibly immature. I still disagree with Didymus on by not knowing what love is. I have made several changes to be the kind of person Eli can feel safe with and that she can love too. I believe that love is unconditional and that yes I do love Eli, but I don’t know if it is a friendly love or romantic. To be honest, I don’t care at this moment. I’m focusing on being a better person. I’m focusing on school and work and getting a career. I wasn’t all that focused on school. I was focusing more on her because I wanted to feel loved. That’s all there is to it. Now please leave Eli and I alone. Thanks. (Eli feel free to make any changes as you see fit.)

I know that for the most part I bring it on myself, but I HATE it with a passion. It keeps me up at night, and haunts my thoughts in the day. It is making me go crazy.

Right now, I am currently helping about four people with their own personal issues and family issues and relationship issues. Add on to that, my family issues, girl issues, and personal issues.

My own issues are such; trying to find out how I feel about Eli. Trying to find out how I feel about Brooke. Trying to figure out what to do about Jess. Trying to keep up in School. Trying to write my book. Trying to go to the temple weekly. Trying to devote myself more to God. Trying to help my mom get through her problems with my dad. Trying to fix my own problems with my dad. Trying to help Alex choose to go on a mission. Trying to help Nick prepare himself for a mission. Trying to make time for fun and relaxing activities. Trying to keep funny for my improv group.

These are just my more major issues. I have several more issues and then take that paragraph and multiply it by four. I’m wiped. The most pressing issue I deal with, or rather the one that occupies the most of my time is the whole deal with Eli.

I still like her. I just don’t know to what extent. I want to try to fix things and at least be able to talk and hang out and go on dates and stuff, but I don’t know if I want to open myself to her and let it be more than that. It’ll most likely be something that i’ll just have to wait and see. I feel much the same way as she does.

We are pretty much back at square one. The only thing is, it is impossible to be truly back at square one with the history that we had. I don’t want to be hurt again, and neither does she.

The part of my brain that loves psychology says that the reason I am so torn by her is that I love her. It says that she must love me too if she would be willing to talk to me again after I had resigned myself to believing that she hates me.

Yet the part that thinks logically and is my more self-protective side says that we can never regain what we had and that it’s be best for both of us if I just told her that I can’t let myself get hurt again and just leave her. It says that she just came back and is willing to talk to me because she feels bad for what she did and it’s a relationship spawned by pity.

I have no idea what to think…..Brooke is a much more stable girl and is way fun to be around. I just don’t know what she feels about me anymore or what I feel about her as far as how much I like her. I like the stability. I like her personality, but I think I mostly like the stability. Ugh…..

Drama…….I’m a slave of it. :(

I need a remote control for my life. I’d stop and skip this part.

I just wish I weren’t such a slave to drama. I hate drama, yet i’m surrounded by it. Can I please just breath for a day without someone shoving a load of drama and issues or problems that i’m going to feel compelled to help with? Please!?!?

I has netflix now! :) Date night at my house!

Yet I seem to constantly find myself wrapped up in it. I can’t escape without hurting someone which will create even more drama. Sometimes I feel like just stepping out in front of traffic because I can not for the life of me see how this is worth it.

My friends keep coming to me with their problems and dumping them on me to try and solve and meanwhile i’ve got some serious issues myself.

1. Jessica: She is way fun to be with but she snaps at the smallest thing. Anything I do that she doesn’t agree with can make her ignore me and give me the cold shoulder for the rest of the day.

2. Work: My dad is making it so that it is miserable to work everyday. I want to quit, but that would mean going job hunting and that sucks big time.

3. School: Things are getting hectic and often times I find myself feeling like a chicken with it’s head chopped off. Running around in circles not accomplishing anything except for bleeding all over the place and making a mess.

4. Family: My dad is living in the basement because he is making things extremely difficult.

My brother Alex is supposed to be preparing for a mission right now, but it seems like he doesn’t even care.

My mom has spent several nights crying herself to sleep recently and i’ve been up listening to her cry wishing I could just fix all her issues. :(

My brother Nick hates being home and tries to go out as much as possible to avoid the crap going down.

5. Eli: It seems like she kinda wants things to work but at the same time it seems like she is terrified of even trying. I wish I could do something to help yet at the same time, I don’t know if I want to. I feel like if I help her out with this i’ll get hurt again or worse; that i’ll hurt her.

I still think I love her, yet at the same time I have all these conflicting emotions around her saying don’t do it. She only went out with you because you caught her at a time when she wanted to be with someone is one of the things i’m having a hard time fighting. I don’t want her to be willing to fix things just cause she feels bad about what happened.

I’d like to be her friend but at the same time I wonder if I can keep it at just friends. I’d like to think that I can.

6. Sleep deprived: I haven’t been able to sleep because my mind is running through my problems and my friends problems and I just keep spinning wheels trying to fix everyone’s problems.

I wish I could just escape the world for a couple of months and just live at the temple or something. Live in the mountains maybe. Oh well.

I’ve got to get some math done and figure out what i’m going to do for my english paper. Life…..kinda sucks.

Time to start tumbling again. Tumblr, you just have a way of getting me to think about the things I don’t want to think about and after I post it all I read it and sometimes an answer appears. It’s very healing. There is just so much going on right now I don’t know what I want to focus on.

I’ll talk about Chelsea since I want to help her out most right now.

So, she loves this guy Chris and they dated for a while and she was dating another guy at the same time. She wasn’t going steady with either of them but it caused Chris to give Chelsea an ultimatum, she chose to date the other guy for a while. She soon realized that she just didn’t like several things about him and that ended that. She decided to prepare for a mission and prayed to find out if that was the right thing for her to do. She got the answer that she should wait. She waited and realized that she loved Chris. She then tried to talk to him about it and see if he wanted to pick up where they left off and he blew her off. Then he kept doing sweet things to her and was nice and then she spoke to him again and he blew her off. He just keeps giving her mixed signals. She feels as though she has given up her mission just to have her heart broken. Any suggestions?